That's What Ciel Said
by Amaymon
Summary: What happens when servants stick there nose in business they shouldn't?


**That's What Ciel Said...**

_Written by Lauren Tucker, Inspired by "That's what she said!" jokes and a very sexeh pairing Yana Toboso-san created._

One day at the Phantomhive manor, three servants named Bardroy, Meirin and Finnian were busy at work, desperately trying to do their jobs accordingly so that they could please the Master, a thirteen-year-old English boy with a short-temper.

"Ah, Bard! You're burning the Master's breakfast!" Meirin panicked, rushing over to help.

"Meirin, watch out!" Finny yelled, blocking his ears and closing his eyes tightly.

"Finny, duck!" Bard jumped out the way just in the nick of time.

Yes, everything was just as hectic as it usually was whenever these three were together. Bardroy was managing to burn cereal, Meirin was running around blindly trying to help with dishes in her hands—dropping and shattering them—and Finnian was just around the other two whenever the garden didn't need watering or weeding. It was indeed such a stressful household...well, downstairs it was.

On the other hand, upstairs was a lot more calm and serene. Sebastian, the chief servant, made sure to keep the Master content as often as possible. Sebastian was many things; tall and handsome, majestic and graceful, charming and charismatic, neat and practically perfect in every way, although he wasn't Human—only Ciel knew this. When he wasn't posing as the all-too-perfect-male butler of the Human species, he was being his Demon self. Yes, Sebastian was a butler to the Earl of Phantomhive, but he was also part-time Demon. His trademark catch-phrase wasn't very subtle either— "I am one Hell of a butler." —but his voice was so sexy that it distracted anyone from reading between the lines.

Anyway, back to the other servants. They normally kept out of the Master's way, until today. Sebastian had left them with all the morning chores and daily rituals to complete for him as Ciel wasn't feeling too well and Sebastian had been ordered not to leave the Master's side and to help him feel better. Naturally the other servants were thrilled that they could for once prove to Ciel—and Sebastian—that they were worth keeping around and that they weren't completely helpless. Although, so far that idea wasn't going at all to plan, nor did it look like it would any time soon.

"Alright," Bard smiled pleasingly, "I think this time I have it right!"

"Really?" Meirin beamed, "I think I saved at least one bowl from breaking!"

"The water is boiled," Finny announced, finding a teacup and teapot.

"Well then, what are we waiting for?" Bard asked, his eyes glinting.

"Let's serve the Master breakfast in bed!"

All three were so excited about the fact that they were finally able to do something that would be acknowledged. Once they got to the door though, they were rather nervous and whilst they stood outside of their Master's bedchamber, they overheard something rather peculiar, which only made them want to remain silent and find out if what they were hearing was correct or if their ears were deceiving them.

"Young Master, are you alright?" Sebastian asked gently. "You're not in too much pain, are you?"

"No, I'm f-fine," Ciel stuttered, "but could you hurry up? Your fingers have been in there long enough, you should know if it's alright to get in by now!"

"Be patient, my Lord," Sebastian chuckled. "It's almost done, but the preparation needs to be done—for your comfort."

The three nosy servants looked at each other warily before they returned the sides of their faces to the door, pressing their ears up against the wood so that they could hear Sebastian and Ciel more clearly.

"I've told you before that, when I have a cold, comfort isn't on the top of my list," Ciel raised his voice. "I just want to feel-"

"Don't strain your voice, young Master," Sebastian suggested silkily, "I'd like to be able to hear you when you call for me. How is your throat anyway? Is it still sore from last night?"

"My voice is fine," Ciel huffed, "although my throat is a little sore, no thanks to you ramming that thing down there!"

"My apologies, again, for being so thoughtlessly rough with your fragile body, but you said you could handle it." Sebastian said matter-of-factly. "If I'd have known you had such a sensitive gag-reflex I'd have put it elsewhere."

"Whatever, next time I'll be the one ramming it down your throat and then we'll see how you like it!"

Bard seemed to be the most horrified with the conversation going on behind this Master's door. Meirin was more upset that Ciel got so much attention from the perfect butler. Finny was slightly confused; he didn't really understand why the other two were reacting so offended and shocked—ah, how ignorance is bliss!

"Man, who'd have guessed that they were sleeping together?" Bard scratched the back of his head. "No wonder that kid shows no interest in Miss Middleford and Sebastian pretty much ignores you, Meirin."

"He does not ignore me!" Meirin whispered loudly. "He just, uh... Well, I don't care. I don't believe it. I won't! Besides, he's a child. Sebastian wouldn't do those things to a kid."

"I bet he would if the Master ordered him to," Bard's eyes narrowed, teasing the only female in the house was quite enjoyable at times. "The Earl has got quite a girly figure and who knows, maybe Sebastian's just not into chicks, maybe he's one of them queers? Or worse, a pedophile!" Bard was close to laughing his head off and blowing their cover when he caught sight of Meirin and Finny's expressions. Although, what made the chef feel slightly uneasy was that with the current situation and circumstances, what he'd suggested could very well be true.

"You have to admit though," Finny breathed, "Mr. Sebastian does do everything the Master asks, without hesitation."

"He would not do that! He's a decent man!" Meirin was close to tears.

"Would too! He'd tear that shit up!" Bard was back to joking.

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"Your face would!"

"Your mum would!"

Meirin and Bard continued their bickering that seemed to go on for eternity. All while Finny continued to listen through the door, trying to understand the situation himself since the other two weren't about to start explaining the birds and the bees any time soon.

"Hey guys, shh. They're talking some more!" Finny pressed his ear back to the door once he'd finished getting the other's attention, the chef and maid mimicking him instantaneously.

"It's ready, Milord," Sebastian announced proudly.

"It's about time!" Ciel snapped. "I was starting to think you'd lost your touch."

There was a moment of silence before a painful cry came from Ciel. His whimpers startled the three outside.

"Sebast-ian, you b-bastard!"

"What is the matter?"

"You said-ready!" Ciel was sounding out of breath and wasn't forming full sentences while he spoke through clenched teeth, "it burns!"

"It shouldn't do, I've made sure to prepare it the same way every time," Sebastian sounded genuinely confused, "you haven't complained since the first time."

"Who cares about back then? It's hurting now!"

"If you'd stop fidgeting and just relaxed, I can assure you it will feel better quicker, it won't feel as hot if you stop moving about," Sebastian spoke nonchalantly.

"Or maybe if you-"

"Young Master, I apologise once again, it seems I've made a miscalculation that your body changes while you're feeling under the weather, but I won't allow you to leave. It may result in you getting sicker."

"Fine, I order you to make it more comfortable, right now!"

"If I do that, you'll get cold and end up feeling worse. If you just relax your muscles, you'll get used to the heat and you'll thank me for it later. It's because you're ill and more sensitive that it's affecting your body in such an uncomfortable way."

"Fine," Ciel sighed, exasperated.

"That's better," Sebastian commented, "Now just tell me when you're used to the feeling and when you want me to start."

All of a sudden, Tanaka walked by and noticed Bard, Meirin and Finny standing outside of Ciel's room, attentions fixated on the going-on's past the door. He asked the three what they were up to, but got no straight answer as they all started whispering different explanations all at once.

"Just come over here and listen, old man!" Bard made room for Tanaka so that he too could listen in.

"Certainly not," Tanaka declined the offer, "it is not only a bad idea to eavesdrop on the Master of the house, but it's also rude. You three should be ashamed of yourselves!"

The three servants felt incredibly guilty now and they all believed Tanaka was right, following his advice and leaving to return to their other duties-that they were now way behind on schedule doing. All while Tanaka remained at the door, now listening in on his own.

"Sebastian, harder!"

"You're so dirty," Sebastian tsk'd, "where you managed to pick up such filth is beyond me."

"Shut up," Ciel panted lightly. "Just keep going. That feels good."

"Are you comfortable, Milord?" Sebastian asked, "I'm not being too rough, am I?"

"No, if anything you could go faster and press deeper—ah!" Ciel moaned.

"There, young Master?" Sebastian chuckled knowingly. "Do you want me to touch you there, again?"

"Fuck yes, again!"

"Such language is not fitting of a man of your age, nor stature. And you're so loud, the others in the house are going to hear you yelling and think something's wrong."

"I don't care, just keep fucking going! It feels so good. Please, rub harder, it feels better that way and it relieves me quicker!"

"You do realise that what you're screaming out so loud is going to attract the attention of nosy servants, Milord."

"Shut up! Just hurry, I'd prefer to have this over and done with before I get wrinkly and old looking!"

Tanaka didn't realise he'd been holding his breath until he felt the need to pass out.

'No wonder those three were listening in,' Tanaka thought. 'I really shouldn't still be here. I'll have to have a word with Mr. Michaelis later.'

Tanaka then knocked on the door loudly to get their attention, leaving quickly and hoping Sebastian would notice the—soggy—breakfast and—cold—tea the three servants had prepared for the Master.

Later than night, once Ciel had been put to bed, Finnian attacked Sebastian's personal space and bombarded him with odd questions and hypothetical situations.

"Excuse me?" Sebastian was taken aback by all the absurdity.

"This morning, Meirin, Bard and I overheard you and the Master while you two were alone in his room and, well, Meirin and Bard were talking and I didn't quite understand what they meant, so I asked some questions and what they told me didn't sound right."

"What did they say exactly?" Sebastian was still confused, yet curious.

"Please don't get mad, Mr. Sebastian, but they said that you and the Master were having, uh... relations-"

"What?" Sebastian's eyes went wide with shock, never had he been accused of doing such things—not that he hadn't thought about doing those things to Ciel, the boy did say and do such suggestive things on a daily basis, but it was never on purpose which is why Sebastian had never acted on his demon sexual impulses.

Meirin and Bard were right around the corner, listening in to what Finny was telling the butler and to what his answer would be.

"I'm afraid you and the other two are solely mistaken. What you heard has been taken completely out of context." Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, creasing his forehead.

"What were you and the Master doing, if not what Meirin and Bard thought?"

"First of all, hasn't anybody told the three of you—yes I'm aware they are just around the corner listening in—that eavesdropping isn't a very nice thing to do, nor is it smart if you don't have the full story?"

"Yeah," Finny looked away guiltily. "Tanaka told us today...and then we left."

"Well that's comforting," Sebastian said sarcastically, "anyway, the young Master and I weren't doing anything like what you thought we were doing. I had drawn him a bath."

"Oh," Finny simply said. "That makes sense-"

"If that's really what happened, then explain what the Master meant by 'your fingers have been in there long enough', 'my throat is a little sore, no thanks to you ramming that thing down there'," Bard crossed his arms, "and what you meant by 'I'd like to be able to hear you when you call for me' and 'If you just relax your muscles, you'll get used to the heat'."

Sebastian was about to answer with a reasonable explanation to each of the quotes, when Tanaka walked in and added, "Yes, and I'd also like to know what the young Master meant by 'Please, rub harder, it feels better that way and it relieves me quicker'."

All eyes were on Tanaka now. All shocked, mortified, confused and knowing eyes.

"Firstly, weren't you the one who told them not to eavesdrop, yet you did right after them?" Sebastian smirked as Tanaka's face went flat. 'Such hypocrites, Humans are.'

"Well, about my fingers, they were in the bath water testing the temperature. About his throat being sore was because I supposedly placed the thermometer a little too far into the young Master's mouth for him to handle. I was worried for the Master's vocals, so I didn't want him to strain his voice because, without that, how was I supposed to hear him if he called for my assistance in anything? Also, did you know that if you're much colder than something, then it feels a lot hotter than it actually is? That is why I was telling the young Master to relax his muscles, because if he remained still and allowed his body to adjust and warm to the same temperature as the water, then he will be used to the heat and be a lot more comfortable."

Bard was speechless and wondered how this situation even got to this point, seeing as it was—as usual—nothing like it seemed.

"Ah, yes, Tanaka," Sebastian smiled, "I was giving the young Master a deep massage because his back was aching and making him quite uncomfortable. He wanted me to massage his back faster because he believed that if something was done harder and faster, then it will be done quicker, it was quite adorable really. He still has such a childish mind, even if he thinks otherwise."

All four of the Humans apologised to Sebastian, feeling bad for accusing him of such things. They really did feel quite terrible.

"If that's all, I'll take my leave for the night. You all should too, you have a big day full of chores to catch up on tomorrow!" the Demon beamed, leaving for his room to go and relax until it was time to wake Ciel.

"I told you he wouldn't do something like you suggested to a child, let alone a male!" Meirin yelled at Bard.

Sebastian overheard the servants bickering and laughed to himself, changing positions he was laying in on his bed, sticking his arms under his head with a smirk creeping onto his face.

"If only you knew what I really wanted to do to that delicious child," the Demon side of Sebastian shone through, licking his lips and growing more aroused at the tasty, all-too-tempting thought. 'If I ever get the chance of Ciel wording an official order in a way I can twist to my advantage, I'm going to fuck the soul right out of him.'

THE—perverse—END


End file.
